For those who have not been themselves lately...
You probably do not even know who you are anymore, at least not with the same clarity you used to have. “Have I always been like this?”. Maybe you are trying to gather some information from family and friends who are not in the “church”, looking for every hint that may resonate to you and help you remember who the real you is…
You feel like telling your loved ones what is happening to you. Everything…. You try to rehearse it in your mind… There’s so much going on within you, but you can barely make out some fragments, scenes, moments… Some words come to mind: pain, suffering, agony, sadness, despair, anger, hopelessness, exhaustion, emptiness, fear, depression… You may also feel ashamed for all the horrific things they did to you.
You are confused and you find yourself second-guessing all the time. You may be having recurrent undesirable thoughts that you would never ever have in a million years, and the attempt to avoid them is making them even more intense and frequent (intrusive thoughts). Because of that, you may be dealing with massive guilt, corroborated by the “elders” to whom you have confided such tormenting thoughts. They also made you believe that this is all your fault: they might have called you “demonized”, “possessed”, “evil” or “an unrepentant sinner”.
You seem to be forgetful, not only can’t you remember clearly what has happened to you, but you forget basic daily things. Sometimes it feels like you’ve been “reset” and you were left with just basic memories: name, address, family members….
In amidst of all this chaos, every second of peace counts like never before: a fresh breeze on your face, having a bath/shower, the sweet smell of chocolate, the aroma of a fresh brewed cup of coffee … Falling asleep feels like this extraordinary way of “shutting down” from all the overwhelming feelings. Too bad, it does not last much…. The flashbacks – visual or emotional – seem to drag you back to those painful and indescribable moments: anger, despair, fear…. All over again. And again. And again.
No, you are not "crazy", "unhinged", "evil", "possessed", "demonized" or whatever random offense you've been called by now, perhaps even by family and friends. Just like many victims of abuse and trauma, you are having absolutely normal reactions to prolonged exposure to heinous forms of abuse, and you may well be suffering from multiple symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).
You might have heard this expression, frequently used to describe soldiers who return from war. The principle is the same: feeling unsafe in a hostile environment for a long time takes its toll. Your brain liberates high levels of cortisol and adrenaline, affecting your emotional and physiological regulations, causing all kinds of chemical imbalance in your body system and even affecting your brain functioning (Van der Kolk, 2014). The blood tests may not detect anything, but the physical symptoms are very real: headaches, dizziness, muscle aches, gain or loss of weight, infections, hypothyrodism, numbness, among many other “unexplainable” illnesses.
Now you may be asking yourself: "Abuse? Nobody has ever laid a finger on me". As monstrous as physical abuse is, it is not the only destructive form of abuse that exists. If you recall the countless victims of bullying who have committed suicide, you may have a better understanding of how destructive is the extent of psychological, emotional and verbal abuse on the victims.
Even though sexual abuse in the "church" may gain the headlines frequently – and it should, we cannot overlook the extent of the damage caused by “churches” which use more “passive-aggressive” forms of abuse to control and manipulate members, resulting in tragic stories of lives being completely shattered and many others led to commit suicide.
I am neither a mental health professional nor involved in any church activities, so if you feel like you need to consult them for more thorough questions, please, do so. I would only advise you to be cautious because - as many victims seem to agree - not all of them from either category have the necessary formation to deal with abuse in the church due to its extremely complex/covert aspects.
The purpose of this blog is to offer you what I wish I had when I was struggling. Back then, I had no idea I had been abused and traumatized in so many ways. Only after literally thousands of readings I finally understood what had happened to me and why my mind and my body were reacting the way they did. By the grace of God, the more I found out about what had happened to me and other victims, the more keys I found to release from the shackles that had imprisoned me in what seemed to be a never-ending abyss of torment and sorrow. I hope I can offer you some of these keys, perhaps they will be the same and help you, perhaps not quite the right size or shape.
Within its limitations, this blog is designed to be informative and empathetic towards the victims and - hopefully - help you understand that you are not at fault and you are not alone. By having an idea of what had happened to you - and a lot of other victims - you may be able to remember who you truly are and realize that you are not some "sinful mess" that your abusive "pastor" made you believe. It is extremely important for victims to have a safe and compassionate environment where they can actually feel understood and their horrible experiences can be validated, which is one of the principles of 'support groups'.
Throughout this blog, I also hope that those who are suffering from shame - which is one of the core aspects of abuse - can have access to information without feeling "exposed" or "judged". I know that right now, it's really hard for you to trust anyone. We know that our family and friends love us and they are trying to do the best they can to be there for us, but still... Only victims of abuse and trauma can truly understand each other.
Educating ourselves on the topic of abuse is extremely important, particularly narcissistic abuse. The more we educate ourselves, the more we will be able to process the abuse, own our true story and empower ourselves.
All the 'examples' given are based on real accounts from victims of abuse in the “church”/spiritual abuse and took place in various "churches". If you identify any of the mind games and toxic behaviors in your "church", we advise you to consider leaving it. If possible, try to warn as many people as you can and save them, too. Remember: You may want to do it cautiously and choose carefully to whom you will talk, as it is very common that family and friends will be blinded by the "pastors'" mind games and end up siding with them. The backlash can be disastrous.
I dedicate this blog to all the precious lives that have been taken from us way too soon by the abusive "pastors/preachers/congregations/church members/churches". Countless of innocent victims have been murdered gradually, from inside out, until they found no other choice but to take their own lives to stop the endless slaughtering of their minds and souls. They were not cases of suicide, they have been murdered.
Dear P.A., you will not be forgotten. I pray you are with the Lord right now. Thank you for helping me understand better my own symptoms when everything was just an unbearable mess.
narcissisticabuseinthechurch.blogspot.com
Image source: Pinterest
Comments
Post a Comment