What does narcissistic abuse in the "church" look like? Manipulative Tactics
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updated: September 26, 2019￨Originally
Published: September 18, 2019 by Safe from Harm
* I
would like to thank everyone for sharing this article and I hope it can help as
many people as possible. I have decided to add
a few more manipulative tactics in this update. Their effects can be quite
similar to others, but I felt it was important to explicit them, especially for
those who might be subjected to these manipulative tactics and their
consequences.
I would like to offer you some practical examples of what manipulative tactics of narcissistic abuse in the church look like. (Unfortunately) The examples are based on true accounts of victims who belonged to many different "churches". Even though the experiences may not be exactly the same as yours, the idea is for you to recognize patterns and some of the most common manipulative tactics used by narcissists in the "church".
They are red flags, more like red billboards. If you recognize any of these patterns in your "church", I strongly advise you to consider leaving it and, if that's the case, find another one. The more you educate yourself on narcissistic abuse, the easier it will be for you to spot these tactics. Like I mentioned before (Effects of narcissistic abuse in the church), I wish I had a resource like this back in the day, when I had no idea of what was happening to me... Hopefully, you will be able to understand what's going on with you, be validated in your abusive and traumatic experience, and start deprogramming from the lies you've been fed as soon as possible.
One of the trademarks of narcissistic abuse is that it is insidious and gradual, in a way that abuse is slowly "naturalized" in the victims' mind frame. Even though I will exemplify with two 'scenarios' - common denominators of victims' accounts, it's extremely important to understand that these kinds of manipulative tactics involving psychological, emotional and verbal abuse are not isolated events and they tend to repeat over and over, in many different shapes and forms. No wonder, victims of narcissistic abuse in the "church" tend to develop multiple symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).
Situation 1.
Sister A decided to wear a purple lipstick to go to Sunday service. From the pulpit, the "pastor" mentions some random passage of the Bible and says that "(something) is weird, just like wearing purple lipstick". Those who had seen Sister A, looked at her and laughed.
Most people would look at this scenario, say "ouch" and let it go. And the danger resides precisely there. We are going to see how "incidents" like this with "only sprinkles of malice" is just what it takes to create a blaze in the "church". Let's see how it works. Because of what the malicious "pastor" said, all of a sudden, there's a "new rule" in the "church": you are not allowed to wear purple lipstick because "it's weird", more than that, the "weirdness" is "almost scriptural", according to the "almighty pastor".
Needless to say, these kinds of distortions of the Scripture are appalling. Preaching the Scripture should be a sacred moment: it's okay to associate it with relatable topics of our times, but I guarantee that lipsticks or any other futile subject are not what God is worried about. Here we can spot one classic narcissistic strategy of manipulation in its passive-aggressive nature:
Needless to say, the only 'truth' in the "pastor's" narrative was the reference to someone "wearing purple lipstick". Yes. You heard it. Out of one single fact - completely irrelevant, by the way -, the abusive "pastor" managed to make up a whole "complex" and devious story where somehow a purple lipstick has a "connection" with the "scripture" and "being weird".
Abusive "pastors" DO IT ALL THE TIME: take one single grain of 'truth' - even if it's just a random word which somehow they want to link with their prey - and mix it up with an astronomical amount of lies and fabricated false narratives. Does it involve corrupting the Scripture? Certainly. Heresy is definitely not an issue for an abusive "pastor".
When confronted by the "new rule", the abusive "pastor" denied it and replied: "I never said that women are not allowed to wear purple lipstick in the "church"".
Was he lying? No, he wasn't. He never explicitly said that women are not allowed to wear purple lipstick. However, after publicly shaming the lady, do you think anyone in that congregation will ever dare to wear purple lipstick again? Obviously not. Out of a single "apparently meaningless" event, a "new rule in the "church" was born". And that's how legalism pervades the "church", directly out of the whims of the abusive "pastors".
When asked to give more explanations, the abusive "pastor" said with a big smile on his face: "I was just making a point in my "preaching", can't she take a joke? How childish! I expected more from her!"
Now, Sister A is confused, feeling ashamed and exposed. She starts questioning herself if she actually "overreacted".
Instead of the Scripture being properly taught - with purity in the heart -, it's distorted to insert the evil agenda of the abusive "pastor" and his "kingdom" of delusions where he can get to "play god" unapollogetically. If the vast majority of the congregation laughed at the target, it is a clear sign that it has already been corrupted with a lot of the "pastor's" venom. That's how "just a sprinkle of malice" can escalate very fast to a whole field of weeds.
The more the weeds, the more the 'church flying monkeys' (please check Why was I abused in the "church"?). The church flying monkeys didn't miss the opportunity to walk by Sister A "coincidently" and make loud comments such as "how weird/ ridiculous", "pathetic", "crazy", among other offensive statements, never to her face, but obviously to her.
As you can see, in many ways the abusive "pastor" is nothing more than a bully who has the advantage of being in a position that allows him to abuse without restraints. Victims being slandered from the pulpit in such a passive-aggressive way will automatically feel cornered and appalled, with not much left to do. Since the abuse is disguised as "sprinkles of malice" from the abusive "pastors" - who can keep feigning innocence forever as they are usually pathological liars and experts at pretending to be "holy"-, the abuse can go on forever, especially with the help of the army of flying monkeys.
Situation 2.
Brother A doesn't have a Christian background, but has always had many Christian friends. He had just broken up with his fiancée and was going through rough times when he decided to join the Sunday services at a local "church". At first, he enjoyed the idea of being in a small "church" with a few members. Little did he know...
A couple of weeks later, the "pastor" started to "preach" how important it is to give money to "god". As part of the "powerful illustration", he asked his assistant to lie on the floor. While yelling something supposedly connected with the "scripture", the "pastor" dragged his assistant accross the stage while glaring at Brother A. Given the fact that there were no more than half a dozen people on that day, it was hard to miss the details. The "pastor" kept on yelling the words "greedy" and "sin".
Meanwhile, the assistant was burning red: it was written shame, embarrassment and pain all over his face. Poor Brother A was perturbed and could hardly believe what he was watching. Later, Brother A, still in shock, asked the assistant if he was okay. To which the assistant replied "never been happier in my whole life". Brother A was baffled. This is clearly another form of GASLIGHTING. This time, the abuser relies on the help of his assistant/flying monkey to enable the act and instill doubt and confusion in the the target.
The staggering thought is that the assistant was obviously being abused himself, but he would rather defend the abuser at any cost - even of his dignity and integrity. It's quite scary to think of how far the church flying monkeys are willing to go to enable the abusers. It's certainly safe to say that some "churches" operate much like 'cults'. And we know what cults are capable of...
Next Sunday, the "pastor" chose another random passage of the scripture and he started "preaching" of how important it is to go to the "church" as many times as possible, not just on Sundays. Then he started yelling that "god hates lazy people". Again, the assistant was "requested" to mop the stage with his body while both kept staring at Brother A. One more time, the "pastor" was FABRICATING FALSE NARRATIVES, MAKING SURE TO ADD A GRAIN OF TRUTH, "from the scripture".
We know that the Bible considers being "greedy" and "lazy" as negative attributes. The thing is Brother A was neither one nor the other.
Who was actually "making money" at the expense of the psychological, emotional and even physical well-being of Brother A? That's right. Abusive "pastors" are masters at manipulating people. We have to give them that.
If contronted with the facts, just like in the previous Situation, the abusive "pastor" could well MINIMIZE AND INVALIDATE all the abuses very easily, with the certain corroboration of the church flying monkeys.
As you can see, the nature of passive-aggressive forms of abuse in the "church" leave minimum "traceable" and "provable" evidence as possible, making it practically impossible to hold the abusive "pastors" accountable for their atrocities in the "church", and that's why it's so tragically frustrating for the victims to get any support or help whatsoever.
Back to Brother A, now he's completely miserable and suffering from high anxiety just by the thought of going to the "church", even so, he drags himself to the "church" three times a week. And he gives money three times a week. The "pastor" keeps doing the combo 'glaring/ staring/ yelling/ lazy/greedy/ humiliation/ pain/ extortion'... Five times a week. Five times more money to the "church".
The tragicomic moment of the horror show was perhaps the "rebellion" of the church flying monkeys, who decided not to play the "give-money-almost-everyday" game anymore. Observing it, Brother A did the same.
People who have never suffered from narcissistic abuse cannot grasp the idea of how someone "accepts being abused" in so many ways. They do not understand that narcissistic abuse does not involve solely the abuse itself. Before and after the horror show on the stage, the "pastor" and his wife are "super duper friendly and holy": they keep telling Brother A that he should be an evangelist, they offer to "pray" for him and even ask him to stay for lunch. Always with a big smile....
Brother A is now stupefied and more depressed than ever. The only thing he knows is that he doesn't want to "disobey the scripture", and that's the only reason why he keeps going to the "church". Since the "money collecting" time does not work anymore for anybody, now the "pastor" keeps "preaching/yelling" random things, something about how "sinful" it is to go to the beach, wear bathing suit, look at girls, talk about girls, carry heavy bags and not wear deodorant. "What the hell...", thinks Brother A.
The bottom line is that the services at the church should be precious and sacred time devoted to the Lord Jesus Christ, but instead, are being used to feed the delusions and caprices of narcissistic "pastors" and quench their thirst for drama, chaos and money. Believe it or not, there are plenty of stories like these, countless of "passages of the scripture" being corrupted and misintepreted to fit the alternate reality of disordered minds.
I would like to reinforce that we are not talking about "isolated events". These kinds of manipulative tactics are repeatedly used in different contexts with the same patterns by the abusive "pastors".
Prolongued psychological, emotional and verbal abuse can cause severe effects in the victims such as: confusion, hypervigilance, high anxiety, intrusive thoughts, memory loss, self-doubt, disorientation, fear, insomnia, feeling like one is losing their mind, difficulty making decisions and judgments, concentration problems, second-guessing the memory, low self-esteem, depression, nervous breakdowns, autoimmune diseases, suicidal ideation and attempts.
I emphasize that taking narcissistic abuse in the church lightly is an atrocious disrespect to all the precious victims who were led to commit suicide because they couldn't bear all the pain and suffering of multiple symptoms of CPTSD - which were not theirs to bear in the first place. They have been murdered by corrupt and filthy "churches". Meanwhile the responsibles were never held accountable for what they did because the "church members" covered up for the abusive "pastors".
narcissisticabuseinthechurch.blogspot.com
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