WHY WAS I ABUSED IN THE "CHURCH"?

Why was I abused in the "church"?

This is probably one of the most frequent questions that never ceases to be asked by the victims of abuse in the “church”. It turns out that abusive “churches” and toxic people like narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths go hand in hand. Believe it or not, “churches” are perhaps the best safe haven for narcissists because they get their 'supply' most easily: adoration and attention. Besides, narcissists can be quite functional, pleasant and smart, which makes them even more “appealing” for their unsuspecting preys. So, in many ways, narcissists can pretend to be the ultimate “holy anointed servants” of God, and not until it’s too late will the victims find out about the true nature of these masters of manipulation.

Back to the question above. Why did the abusive “pastors” – and consequently, the “congregation” - picked you? Most likely, you are a very empathetic, kind and trusting person, you are also loyal, reliable and hardworking, therefore, the perfect prey for the narcissists. What?!

Let’s see if we get this straight. They spotted you for your good qualities and the next thing you know you are a target? Unfortunately, yes. That’s how the disordered mind of the narcissist works. One of the main characteristics of the narcissists is the capacity to objectify people, in other words, people are like tools that serve a purpose. Once you catch the narcissists’ attention, they want you to be their personal 'thing'. 

Obviously, you don’t get to choose if you want it or not. Besides, they won’t say it in this way, it doesn't sound good in the "church". Instead, they will tell you that you are “serving god” - mind you, the “god” here is the abusive “almighty pastor”. Being “in the business” for quite a long time, the abusive “pastors” know exactly how to play their mind games and with whom. If they are somehow “gifted”, then they believe to have green card to “play god” without any restraint, since they are the ones who get to “make the rules”… 

You’ll notice that instead of the initial compliments ("love bombing" phase), the abusive “pastors” are eternally dissatisfied with you and always nitpicking: you have changed your clothes, the color of your hair, the way you walk, the way you talk, your working schedule, you don’t have hobbies anymore and you give up all social activities - except from the "church". Still, nothing is good enough since they change the goal posts according to their whims.

Even the “regular church members” start to feel uneasy about the abusive conduct of the narcissistic “pastors”, this is the moment when they strategically call the mistreatments “tests” or “trials” assigned from “god” – a.k.a. themselves – , which obviously have nothing of the divine in them. Your gut is screaming that there is something really wrong – they humiliate, shame, slander, stalk, coerce, intimidate, gaslight and threaten you - while you are being the perfect doormat.

Anything can be considered “rebellious” by the narcissist, especially acting like a human being: crying because of the humiliation they made you go through, feeling indignant by the way they put you down in public, refusing to give up minimum time with family and friends to be their slave, etc; it certainly depends on their mood, which is quite changeable. Now you are walking on eggshells 24/7, never knowing when they will throw the next tantrum or make you feel like the worst person on earth. Little by little, you feel your sense of self being erased, and you are just letting yourself be stepped on. You can hardly remember who you used to be...

Meanwhile, you also start noticing that the “rigid rules” towards you do not apply to them. They preach “holiness” while using foul language to address you and their "enemies”; they preach “spiritual maturity” while mimicking those who they call “whiners” – usually the ones who are calling out their abusive behavior; they preach “forgiveness” while orchestrating major smear campaigns against their targets. The list of hypocrisies is endless.

Among the reasons that might trigger a smear campaign promoted by the abusive "pastor" is the capacity to have critical thinking and human decency. It means that you are no longer under their control, which is unforgivable to the narcissists. For the smear campaign to be successful, the abuser relies on his 'flying monkeys'. This is a term frequently used in the narcissistic abuse survivor community, and it is a reference to the movie Wizard of Oz. In the movie, the flying monkeys are sent by the Wicked Witch to harass Dorothy and her friends so that the witch does not have to get her hands dirty. These creatures do not question any of the orders and just keep on tormenting their targets without any sense of compassion.

The “church” flying monkeys do pretty much the same thing. They are the subjects of the narcissist that didn’t make it to the big league of vipers – the ones who are extremely beneficial, therefore, “more valuable” and “untouchable” – , neither were “recruited” to the category of personal doormats. They live in this limbo in the “church” where they basically “make volume” – and money – and do whatever the “pastor” tells them to do. Needless to say, they have a dubious character and very questionable moral and ethical values, just like the abuser himself.

The “power” – if we may say so – of the flying monkeys is in the quantity. Since they can be numerous, they can harass the victims in many different places, not only inside the “church”. They are also key elements for the smear campaign of the abusive “pastor” to work: he wants to discredit the victims and make them feel cornered and helpless – another manipulative strategy to gain control and power over them.  By then, the victims will have probably turned the other cheek plenty of times, and will start feeling edgy and quite reactive. This is exactly the outcome the abusive “pastors” want, now they have “evidence” that the victim is “crazy”, “too sensitive”, “immature”, “childish”, “demonized”, “possessed” and whatever false accusations they want to make. The abusers focus on the reactions of the victims to the abuse, not to the abuse itself, a diversion strategy.

As you can see, all the “characters” (doormats, flying monkeys and vipers) in the narcissistic horror show are ultimately at the service of the “almighty pastor” and, in a way or another, they exist to satisfy his needs. Notice that the flying monkeys and the vipers are not usually targeted by the abuser. Although delusional, the narcissists know they need to guarantee a majority that will support them and their abusive behavior in face of the “rebellious” doormats. 

The thing is: you were not a “rebel” at first, and you were actually serving them unquestionably, so why treat you poorly all of a sudden?  Narcissists do not operate like normal people. They are addicted to attention and adulation, but also to power and control - which are also means of getting the spotlight on them. Even if you are willingly doing whatever they tell you to do, like a good trained dog, that’s not enough for the narcissists because they need the thrill of exerting power, especially over those they consider to be“weak” – yes, potentially useful, but “weak”.

Now, let’s see what the narcissists perceive as “weakness”: being open-minded – and not judgmental; being self-reflective –and not arrogant; being caring – and not selfish; being kind – and not rude; being helpful – and not entitled, to name a few characteristics. As you can see, the narcissists spot exactly your qualities, which they will use against you. What?! Yes, surreal, but in the sick twisted mind of the narcissists, it’s exciting to explore these “weaknesses” with all kinds of deceptive manipulations. Not much different from the high school bullies, who derive pleasure from torturing their victims or the sadists who get their "fix" humiliating their subjects: instead of dealing with their own personal unresolved issues, they take them out on people who have absolutely nothing to do with them. In conclusion, instead of appreciating the qualities of the victims in benefit of the church, the narcissists would rather get their narcissistic supply - at the expense of the victims, and feed their messed up ego.

If caught in their abusive behavior with a lot of unquestionable evidence – rarely written, obviously –, narcissists will deny it at all costs. Eventually they will “play the victims”, rewriting history so that they end up being the recipients of the “abuse”: “they only wanted to help”, “(the real victim) is ungrateful”, “(the real victim) didn’t understand how much they cared about him/her”, “(the real victim) doesn’t accept criticism”, and other stomach turning excuses for their heinous deeds.  Meanwhile, the real victims are left appalled and in complete despair by the evil and bizarre “alternate reality” just created by the abusive “pastors”.

This is because of another trait of the narcissists: they are incapable of admitting wrongdoing because they don’t feel guilt, remorse or shame like a normal person, and are far more worried about maintaining their false mask. I am not getting into the biblical references, but, yes, they throw pride at the fan - among other things, just like we know who.

Wait a minute. What are we talking about? Yes, abusive “pastors”/ “spiritual leaders”. Now, did they set out a "church" with a filthy heart like that or were they corrupted along the way? Hard to tell. Because they are masters at manipulating people and there’s little or no accountability in their “church” – since they are usually in “high positions”, hell is the limit. What about the Lord Jesus Christ? In these corrupt institutions, even the Lord Jesus is just means to an end: power and control over people.

It’s important to observe that the narcissists in the abusive “church” have a lot of common traits with narcissists who commit domestic violence, ruthlessly run companies or disrupt families… The description above is a combination of some accounts of survivors, but there are many other strategies of manipulation that haven’t been mentioned yet. I’ll try to cover some of them in an upcoming post, but I invite you to educate yourselves on ‘narcissistic abuse’ through as many resources as possible. It’s extremely important for you to understand the abusive patterns you have been submitted to in order to deprogram the lies from your mind.

Further recommended resources:

•    This post is an instigating reflection of narcissists in the church from a survivor’s perspective.
  
•  Six warning signs of how pastors may end up being corrupted and become abusers. Check here.

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